I Needed a Minute to Let It Feel

I was on a call with a support person who asked, “What are your past-due utility bills?” I started opening all the portals to give her up-to-date information.

I checked my water bill: about $95 past due. I know they shut off the water once it reaches $100, which happened to me a few months ago.

I checked my trash and sewer bill: about $385 past due. They have been extremely understanding of my situation, and the balance has continued accruing.

Then I checked my gas and electric bill, and it said $0. It showed that the most recent payment had been made, and I was like—I applied for the LIHEAP program, and they had said they placed a pledge on my account to avoid shutoff. This screenshot was that pledge being fulfilled.

My voice broke while I was still on the call with the support person. She asked, “Are you okay?”

My response was, “Yeah. I just saw it got paid off, and I am in tears because it really showed up. I need a minute to let it feel.”

Her response: “Take your time. I understand.”

Someone I had never met or spoken to before this call witnessed me in a moment of gratitude for support showing up.

When my water was shut off a few months ago, I had no money to restore it. I went into an organization’s office and said, “I have no running water, and without it, I don’t have my In-Home Supportive Services care provider either.”

They saw a woman in a power wheelchair telling them that she had been peeing and pooping in trash bags because she couldn’t flush her toilet.

CityServe was the organization, and they restored my water service by paying the $150 I was past due. I remember their representative saying, “They’re risking your life without running water.”

And I knew that too, because I know my body can’t regulate temperature, and I need four cooling systems running simultaneously to keep myself from getting heat stroke, even inside my house.

Water is essential for cooling and just living.

When support shows up, it makes me realize I’m not totally alone in carrying the weight of survival. I might not be perfect at expressing it, but I am true to the gratitude I hold for every individual and every system that shows up.

Because I know we all need webs, and it makes me realize that my web might just be starting to take shape—to hold my life as I keep building safety and sustainability for myself and the world we live in.